it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
