Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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