just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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