you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
