Writing my paper on freud at bar
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart