i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
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I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He? As in you personified your dick?