Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.