Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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