shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
