If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
