I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
