It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
