remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
