At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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