when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize