her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its not stalking. its research.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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