the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize