The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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