just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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