New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
