Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
