I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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