By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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