Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
