Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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