Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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