He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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