I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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