My balls are so social today.
Dignity is for republicans.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
