My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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