It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
