My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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