do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
