I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
