We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there's paper in my vomit.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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