Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
