Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
