Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
