He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
