my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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