I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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