and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
