I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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