My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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