Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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