I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
