WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
