The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
