I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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