Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
