I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
