Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
