just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
