he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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