I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize