How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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