shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
