he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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