I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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